Copywriting tips from the dark web

Castration for $30,000 too expensive? How about a beating for just $2,000? The surprisingly beige truth about hiring a hitman on the dark web…

Turns out dark web copywriters can be as bland as their clean web counterparts.

The New York Times recently featured two screenshots from hitman-for-hire websites on the dark net…

Naturally, I reviewed the copywriting in the screenshots and I was amazed.

These purported hitmen have dipped their pen in the same beige ink as most legit businesses.

This one is better — a little colour at least.

Their “assassination and life-ruining services” are made less persuasive by —

☠️ Feeble adjectives — “professional”, “experienced”, “convenient”

☠️ Assumption of knowledge — why is a blinding 10% pricer than a crippling?

☠️ All telling, no showing — “We try our best to keep to contractual terms”

I give both sites a C, but there are some glimmers of hope for their dark web copywriters —

💀 Attaching benefits to features — “We assign a strong man in the country of the mark. [Feature] No expensive flights… keep the price to the lowest possible. [Benefit]”

💀 Use of specificity as proof — “We have 48 hitmen on call” [Not “nearly 50”]

Overall, however, a surprisingly corporate experience.

But here’s the million dollar question… Would you pay the extra $2,000 to upgrade your mortal enemy to a “painless” poisoning? Also…

Want to write a landing page so good it feels like stealing candy from babies?


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